I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
