I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
