hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
