Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
