I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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