I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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