I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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