Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
