yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
