Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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