Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
