made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
