We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
The adults are the big ones right?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
