The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
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