I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
