Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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