Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
