He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
