How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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