i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize