His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
