before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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