I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
