i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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