my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
