I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
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i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
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My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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