Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
