You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
