U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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