I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
