Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
