Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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