my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
