wat bout pragnant strippers??
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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