i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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