I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
