this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
