normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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