best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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