The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Randomize
