I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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