I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
