I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
