John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
