Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
