If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
i've created a new STD.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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