There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Randomize
