you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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