I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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