I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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