Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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