I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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