people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
