Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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