I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
