Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
