I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
