i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
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all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
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I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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