So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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