He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm passing your future prison.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
